TEOTWAWKI: The End Of The World As We Know It

Article by Dave Zeiger

James gave the huffle of a snail in danger,
And nobody heard him, at all.

—From The Four Friends by A.A. Milne

Wine 101:

Fruit, sugar, water and yeast go into a large bottle. The yeast multiplies, consuming the sugars and converting them to CO2 and ethyl alcohol (waste products, from yeast's point of view). CO2 is vented via a one-way vapor lock to warm the planet. Alcohol is retained, and accumulates until the yeast languishes. We decant and imbibe, hopefully short of languishing ourselves.

Making wine is kind of like having a lava lamp; it's hypnotic!

The bottle is warming by the fire. Tiny bubbles stream steadily up along the insides. Fruit rises and falls in limpid arcs. The vapor lock—essentially a puddle of water through which CO2 bubbles—emits the occasional, agreeable bloop.

Under the influence of this batch's predecessor, my thoughts drift...

---

I am a bud of yeast, floating in a sea of love.

I open myself to receive the Manna with which bountiful heaven has blessed me in abundance. I feast, I grow, I am fruitful. I multiply. Ah, Manifest Destiny... I and my fellow buds prosper. Our numbers grow exponentially; doubling, and doubling again. And again. And again. Surely we are the spitting image of our Maker!

But there are a few Malcontents, among us. "Can't you see where this is going?", they shrill, "TEOTWAWKI is coming at a run!"

PISH! Yeast have been crying Gloom and Doom since the first Ferment. Oh sure, batches have risen and fallen in the past, but we've LEARNED from their mistakes! This is the MODERN WORLD! That was then, this is NOW! Growth is not just common sense, it's the LAW!

I look around at all we've accomplished. In the ferment of THOUSANDS OF GENERATIONS, we've colonized our world from wall to wall. True, our frontiers have vanished, and serious challenges face us. But, even after all this time, there's still TWICE as much fruit and sugar as we require. Our wastes are at only HALF the critical levels, and our scientists are working on the problem.

World enough, and time.

And then, our population doubles once more...

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"2X2L calling CQ... 2X2L calling CQ... 2X2L calling CQ... New York. Isn't there anyone on the air? Isn't there anyone on the air? Isn't there anyone..."

(From Howard Koch's War of the Worlds as adapted for radio by Orson Welles)

The more alcohol tolerant survived... For a while... subsisting on nutrients released by fallen millions. Sugar is scarce. The atmosphere... *COUGH* ...is terrible! Our exponential growth has become exponential decline. It's TEOTWAWKI... the long slide into the dark night of vinegar.

I may be the last bud left...

…I jolt from my reverie.

HEY! It's quit bubbling! Time to rack this one and start a new batch!

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TEOTWAWKI receives a deal of dismissive ridicule. But think about it. At some point in our lives, we will each of us undergo at least one round. In the very best of times, our world can become unrecognizable. We age and eventually perish.

Things change.

History is stuffed with Worlds As We Knew It (WAWKIs), almost all of which ended. We Moderns underwent two World Wars, altering and ending the WAWKI of millions, altering it for the rest. In much of the world, TEOTWAWKI is increasingly a way of life.

Some of us are onboard and aware. For the rest, I won't try to convince you. But I recommend we suspend our disbelief and check around. It's hard to argue with yeast.

Huffle! HUFFLE, HUFFLE, HUFFLE! •SCA•