Stupid Boat Tricks

Note from the author: We promised, following the last Shallow Draft column (“Ready for Some Dark-Side Classics?”), that we’d soon share tips on restoration of small, vintage boats…whether fiberglass or wood. This is just to let you know that we’re working on the restoration story…but for today, how about some Stupid Boat Tricks?

I’m an old, tolerant optimist by nature, not often a cranky curmudgeon, but the increase in rude, clueless behavior by some boaters—including things we’ve witnessed the past few days—has got my britches in a twist. I’ll be fine after venting for a few minutes…sharing our nominees for the Top Ten Stupid Boat Tricks (mostly performed by owners of boats way larger than ours).

1.     Inconsiderate, Reckless Speeding and Wake-Throwing — Okay, so picture this: Our little boat is cruising slowly across a big, wide bay…just about the only vessel in sight. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a monstrous 50-foot gelcoat extrusion flies right up the backside of our boat like a heat-seeking missile. With throttles wide open, the giant wave-making machine rockets by our watercraft so close that we have no time to turn and face their wake head-on, or turn away to try our hand at surfing. The skipper of the battle wagon appears clueless about the size and ferocity of his wake, and how those breaking waves might endanger the small, narrow, boat he’s mowing down. Or he just doesn’t care. Either way, the point is that he entered a huge expanse of bay, and could easily have plotted an efficient course farther from our small craft. But no, he’s a manly man with attitude, commanding the biggest toy in the neighborhood, and those little boats need to get the hell out of his way.

Okay, I’m exaggerating with this illustration, but when a huge, high-speed powerboat is running up your rear end, this is exactly what it feels like. (Why, oh why, can’t monstrous wave-making powerboat skippers pay attention to the damage potential of their huge wakes—and pass small boats at a greater distance? Maybe because they and their brains are on autopilot?) (Dreamstime photo illustration)

2.     Speeding Into Anchorages — This is sorta like Item #1. Approaching back-bay hideaways, the same mostly-big-powerboat skippers remain throttled-up until they’re way too deep into an otherwise quiet anchorage, disturbing everyone’s peace with massive bow waves and also stern wakes that roll into the little cove, causing everyone to pitch wildly. Welcome to our quiet cove, jerkwad!

3.     Racing Into or Out of Marinas — Even inside marinas, it’s stunning how so many boaters—sail and power—back out of slips and proceed to follow a zig-zag course through narrow fairways and out of the marina at unsafe speeds. Don’t they understand that some other boat might back out of its slip just around the next corner…and that their speeding vessel did not come with disc brakes? (We’ve seen some of these speeders also display a reluctance to steer with rudders, preferring thrusters when maneuvering inside marinas. The result is sometimes Bumper Boats as they ricochet along a line of outstretched transoms, learning too slowly how to master the thruster joystick.)

4.      ZZ Top in the Back Bay — Did we and other boaters voyage 50-some nautical miles in pursuit of a nice, small back-bay anchorage…just hoping we might be entertained by the piercing blare of Eighties Rock on stereo speakers, or VHF radios with the volume on 9, endlessly repeating the same Marine Weather…or loud speakerphone conversations between one drunken skipper and his ‘ol buddy in the next bay over, seeing if they can piss off everyone in two coves simultaneously? Do they have ANY idea of how sound travels over water? Do they care? (We recently encountered a fellow anchored next to our boat in a cove we’ve savored as a quiet sanctuary. His playlist was pretty bad anywhere, anytime, and it was abominable in that otherwise-quiet cove. When we politely asked if he could please turn down the volume, he said it was our fault for anchoring in his favorite get-drunk-and-party place, suggesting we should adjourn to a different cove if we didn’t like the music. Charming.

Not sure we want loud 1980s rock blasting across the surface of our favorite, normally-placid anchorages. Please don’t broadcast music in quiet back bays, imagining your anchored neighbors will appreciate the tunes.

5.     Anchoring for Dummies — Most of the time, skippers understand that anchored boats might swing around with changes in wind and tidal-current direction, and that because they don’t swing in perfect unison, a bit of extra space might be in order. So most skippers don’t power into an already crowded anchorage and drop the hook 30 feet from the nearest neighbor. While most people have the basics down, there are those boat owners who will not only set their anchors too close to fellow boaters…but then yell accusations when hulls start bumping in the night. And don’t get me started on scope, anchor size and design, and other related subjects.

6.     Navigation: Go Where There’s Water — It seems that some skippers, young and older, think that if they can see water ahead, they can go there. Directly, fast as possible, without regard to those pesky red and green things in the channel. While it might be possible to get away with this for awhile, around here the water goes up and down twice daily, and the water you see off your bow might be 14 inches deep, and about to become a dry sandbar stretching far into the bay. So, for all of you skippers who’ve gotten lucky so far, please know where your boat is on the placemat, paper chart or Navionics screen…and figure out what those red and green things designate. Don’t be the guy in this photo, shot a few days ago during our present cruise.

There was plenty of water 100 yards to the right, in the well-marked channel, but this guy just had to take a shortcut, ignoring those red and green things. Unfortunately for the skipper, the tide was falling fast when he came to an abrupt stop, and the inches-deep water soon became a long, dry sandspit. During the unplanned haulout, lots of passing boaters shot plenty of material for a “Worst Boating Moment” video on YouTube. (Marty Loken photo)

7.     Taking Turns, Or Not — Whether it’s being courteous at a launch ramp, or avoiding a war over who gets to the last guest-dock space, please do what they taught you in kindergarten: Take Turns! Boaters are generally some of the nicest, kindest folks you’ll meet, but in recent years—maybe especially since the Covid-driven surge in newbie boaters with more money than brains—we’ve noticed an uptick in bad, loud, angry behavior…including guys with grossly oversize flags on their boats. (Please, please, fellow skippers. Isn’t boating where we take a break from culture wars?)

8.     Rules for the Watery Road — Besides the particulars of speeding, taking turns and basic navigation, there are actual rules of the road for boats. You know, who has the right-of-way; how you don’t T-bone sailboats, and a few other things worth knowing. If you are new to boating and want to be a good neighbor on the water, think about taking a boating-safety course. Besides learning how to drive your boat, you’ll figure out what all of those red and green things are about, not to mention other kinds of traffic signals and guideposts.

9.     Garbage Dumpers — Insanely irresponsible cruiseships are the worst environmental offenders, but we still see too many pleasure-boat skippers and passengers tossing (or flushing) garbage overboard, or otherwise polluting already-endangered waters. Beyond the obvious junk—floating beer cans, plastic and human waste—we see far too many detergents used aboard cruising boats to wash dishes, drain shower stalls, or to clean boats themselves. Gray-water tanks are not legally required in most states, unfortunately, but they absolutely should be—and we say this with some experience as liveaboards in a marina, surrounded by bigger boats that are flushing soapy dishwater, shower-stall water and other polluting liquids overboard. (It’s possible to cruise and even live aboard without dumping graywater or especially blackwater; maybe we’ll share tips in a future column.)

10.  Dinghy Madness — This one is last for a good reason—because it’s a complaint we’ve almost forgotten about in recent years. Our earlier issue was with the number of people who’d anchor in some of the nicest, quietest bays and then jump aboard overpowered inflatables to jam throttles, making noise and substantial waves while rocketing to a dinghy dock 150 yards away. But things have improved, and we take some of our complaints back because more cruising boats are now lugging stand-up paddleboards, sit-on-top kayaks and various kinds of inflatable paddle-craft on deck…and actually using them to move quietly around the same anchorages they used to terrorize with speedy inflatables. Not only that, we’ve actually seen a few boaters rowing—yes, ROWING—small, boat-shaped objects this past year (!) So, to end our bitch session on a kinder note, sincere thanks to everyone who has stopped raising hell and making waves, and started paddling and even rowing in marinas and back bays.

Have fun, stay calm, play nice…and thanks for tolerating my cranky moment. (And if you have a few of your own favorite Stupid Boat Tricks to share, please do so in the comments section below.) - Marty

It’s nice to see a few more people paddling SUPs or actually rowing dinghies in quiet back bays, vs. rocketing all over creation in overpowered hard-bottomed inflatables. You might recognize this gentleman as our friend John Welsford, yacht designer, aboard his little dink, Scraps. (Courtesy of John Welsford)